It's a beautiful day for a hangover
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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