i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
no you cant smoke seaweed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
