I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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