I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
