Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
