He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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