Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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