I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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