I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
