i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
