I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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