please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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