Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
