I feel like abortions should bother me more
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
