Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize