god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
