He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
