god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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