So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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