Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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