omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
