thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize