so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
