I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize