At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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