I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
