The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
