How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
