I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
