Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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