im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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