I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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