Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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