Swine flu. Run for my life!
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
