listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i came on her dog
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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