I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
