I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
