She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
