i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
