I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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