the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
