hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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