I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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