i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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