The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
