So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
