i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i believe in u and ur pee
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