dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
