last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
