Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
