i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
