so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
