My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
