Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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