so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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