Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize