turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
